If you’re the type to complain about where all the years have gone, stop your whining. Imagine being Sarah.
You remember Sarah: From the Bible; Abraham’s better half; mother to Isaac; matriarch of the Jewish people? Yeah, that Sarah. The original Desperate Housewife. The next time you start bitching about your crow’s feet or sciatica, think about Sarah. Her story reads like a Lifetime TV movie.
Unable to conceive, she selflessly offered up her slave girl Hagar to her husband, and then had to watch as the hussy gave birth to Ishmael. As if that weren’t enough (move over Job), Sarah was subsequently “blessed” by God, and gave birth to her only child, Isaac — at the age of 90. Think about that, ladies. Ninety! Talk about lubrication challenges. On the plus side, giving birth to Isaac means that she was getting her freak on at 89. Sarah — one of the original GrammaSutrians.
Sarah pimps Hagar to Abraham
State Hermitage Museum, 1696
Sure, experts are skeptical about the longevity documented in the Bible. Methuselah — 949. Noah — 950. Adam — 930. We can see why some scholars might quibble. But, we're suspending our disbelief regarding matriarchs. We like to believe that Sarah was dirty dancing with Abraham at 89, and that she enjoyed a healthy and randy life until her death at 127.
Honestly, if Sarah is giving birth at 90 in the arid desert, without a decent moisturizer . . . girl, what excuse does your 50, 60 or 70+ year old gorgeous self have?
[Click on Comments, below, and tell me what you feel about this post. See Porn, Props and Playthings for info. on sex toys — to use while you’re waiting for your husband to be finished with the slave girl you gave him, and when you’re generally taking care of yourself in those off periods that may last for centuries — or because you just feel like it; plus sex unguents and pomades to help counter the dry desert air, another post-menopausal must.]