Given the recent current events we here at the Gramma Sutra thought that maybe there need to be some rules, well um not rules guidelines, sexual guidelines. Look, if you can remember Dick West as Batman, if you remember having air raid drills in school, if you tuned in, turned on and dropped out then perhaps you may want to review our guidelines to having fun, safe, wonderful sex. In fact these guidelines are great if you're 77 or 27!
These rules aren't written in stone but if you want to think of them as Sexmandments, we certainly can't stop you.
We wouldn't you to be caught with your pants down, until you want to be caught with your pants down.
Let us know if you have any Sexmandments of your own to share.
THE GRAMMA SUTRA SEXMANDMENTS
1. A person that says NO is not being coy. They do not want to have sex with you. That look in their eyes is not a come on it's a "Get away from me" look. Do not attempt to repeatedly persuade the naysayer with your charm, wit, drinks or offers of employment or for the love of Pete brute force. At best you will seem foolish and idiotic, at worst you will go to jail.
2. Do not have sex with someone who is unconscious, semiconscious, drunk out of their mind, stoned out of their mind, having an allergic reaction or just found out that their terminal illness diagnosis was a mistake. You will be taking advantage of them and an orgasm obtained under these circumstances will be short lived and possibly subject to criminal prosecution.
3. The Housekeeper is not your Sex Toy. Neither is the stewardess, the bartender, the masseuse at a real massage parlor, the waiter or waitress, the personal assistant, the lawyers in your divorce negotiations or the person preparing you for your colonoscopy. These people and thousands like them are just doing their job, it is not a come on when the maid in the hotel asks if you need fresh towels, that is not code for "Take me now and ravish me." Sometimes a towel is just a towel.
4. You can't have sex anywhere at anytime with anyone. This is one of those life lessons that you should have learned before the first grade. You can't get what you want all the time. You may be madly in love with your beloved but please don't attempt to copulate with them while at your grandchilds bar mitzvah. Impulse control is next to Godliness. On the same note try not to expose your inner most feelings and by feelings I mean sex organs to people who didn't realize that sex was in the air. Before you decide to have sex with someone, make sure they want to have sex with you too, see Rules 1-3.
5. Good manner equals great sex. The Gramma Sutra advocates good manners. When it comes to sex, good manners are necessity. Treat your partner with respect. Do not insult them. You might think you're as funny as Chris Rock or Robin Williams but the fact that you are not Chris Rock or Robin Williams would belie this point. Bring your own prophelatics, look the person in the eye, pay attention to whether they are getting off or having a good time. In other words act like you give a damn. This could be the person of your dreams or a one night stand but have the good manners to treat them like, well like a human being. You'd be surprised how a little good manners can lead to a lot of great sex!
Tune in next week for the next 5 SEXMANDMENTS!