We can f*%ck until the dawn, making love to cherish all
Erotic City can’t you see, we’re so pretty you and me
The artist formerly known as Prince
We read the other day that Prince needs a double hip replacement. That’s right:
He’s walking around with a cane. Let that sink in for a moment. The artist formerly known as Prince, a man synonymous with musical prodigiousness, who plays twenty-six instruments, that living, breathing, guitar-riffing, leg-kicking, Sheila-E-licking, embodiment of sex . . . needs a hip replacement.1 When Prince gets to an age when he needs his hips replaced, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Who’s next?”
Well, you are, most probably!
Oh, sure — if you’re our baby-booming sister — you might not need a hip replacement . . . yet. You might not need Glucosamine either, but it’s starting to happen. If not to you, to your sister, your mother or aunt, your girlfriends and that woman at work. Because, let’s face it, if Prince is getting older — so are you.
Sex is natural - sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Just so we understand each other, this is not a site about how to enjoy your “sunset years”. I won’t tell you how to plan for retirement, or whether or not you should retire. This isn’t a site about how to make your marriage stronger, or how to exercise for a longer life. This isn’t one of those “Everything I needed to know I learned at my proctologist’s office” sites.
Unlike our classical Indian inspiration, The Kama Sutra, this site deals with one issue and one issue alone:
How to keep getting it, doing it, and enjoying it.
And not just sex, but sex for women of a certain age, that age being fifty, sixty, seventy and beyond. Sex and the AARP crowd. But before you say, “Ugh, gross,” think about who makes up this crowd: Susan Sarandon (62), Diane Sawyer (61), Cher (63), and Michelle Pheiffer (51). You know. Those in their “golden years”. That’s right. Look in the mirror.
No, this website is less about Gramma’s apple pies, and more about Gramma’s creampies.
[And don’t worry if you’re a man and you’re sneaking a peek at this — The Grampa Sutra is coming.]
Who is this wackjob, anyway?
I've been dispensing advice on sex for as long as I can remember, which is a lot. My writing is syndicated across a number of major webzines such as Vibrant Nation, and has been featured in numerous print publications, including Women's Day, the Miami Herald, Travel & Leisure, the Times-Picayune, Paris Match, and even on NPR!
I've scoured the Web and the world, interviewed thousands of doctors and psychologists and seniors just like you — that’s right, experts! — in person and through this website in my quest for the latest, most interesting, titillating and scientifically-grounded information about sex and the 50+ woman. Consider me your well-informed tour guide on this sexsational journey. Your sherpa. Your scout. Your pathfinder. You get the idea.
Am I a doctor? No. Am I a licensed therapist with a doctorate? Not really, although some of my friends seem to think so. No, I'm not a geriatrician, or Alzheimer’s specialist, or clinical geropsychologist. But, since I'm not technically inclined, I won’t bore you to death with reams of statistics and clinical descriptions about sex. And since I'm not Doctors So-and-So, I won’t sit here trying to showcase my voluminous knowledge. I won’t self-aggrandize, or sing the praises of my medical or psychological specialty, or obsess over one particular condition. Like it or not, I always tell it to you straight.
What am I? A writer, first and foremost. A communicator. With over fifty years of professional experience. As far as I'm concerned, you don’t need an MD or PhD to figure out your sex life. Let's be real here: The best expert on your sex life is, well . . . you!
So, if you're looking for sex advice that sounds like a NASA manual, keep on truckin'. But if you're looking for something to make you laugh, give you some info, and make you feel like you're not the only one with that weird fill-in-the-blank condition, then pull up a chair.
Ageing Hipsters . . . Need Replacement
There are over seventy-eight million (78,000,000) Baby Boomers in the United States. Each and every day, over eight thousand (8,000) people turn sixty in this country. Every day! As a consumer block, there are more Baby Boomers than any other group in this nation. This means that there are more and more people getting older . . . and getting it on.
In fact, despite what you see at the movies and other mirrors of popular culture, more Boomers, Silent and Greatest generation GrammaSutrians are having sex tonight than teenagers and twenty-somethings. Researchers for AARP have found that only about 5% of those sixty and older believe “sex should be left to the young”, and around 85% of this age group has some sort of intimate experience at least once a week, from kissing to intercourse.
They don’t call them The Greatest for nothing!
And don’t get us started on the members of the Silent and Greatest generations. You know why they call them Great? It’s not just because they struggled through WWII, overcame adversity, and ushered in a dream era of economic and political American supremacy. They’re great because between one quarter and one third of all 75 - 85 year olds today are still having sex. And that number is increasing. Yes, your eighty year old parents are still having sex, and lots of it!
Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so
No, to be a GrammaSutrian, you don’t necessarily have to emulate the infamous, seventy-five year old Shigeo Tokuda, who reigns over the elder porn industry in Japan, with over 350 adult video titles to his credit . . . although his athleticism is something to be admired. But, let’s not forget: They have a natural advantage. Japan boasts a higher percentage of people over the age of sixty-five than any country in the world — almost one third of the population!
Anyone can be a student of The Gramma Sutra and see what it takes to remain sexually active long into your “twilight” years — appropriately named so that whatever you’re doing in the shadows, your grandchildren won’t see.
I’ve got to admit it’s getting better, it’s getting better all the time (especially if you’re Swedish or Norwegian!)
Nils Beckman and colleagues from the University of Gothenburg studied attitudes toward sex among 1,500 seventy year old Swedes between 1971 and 2001.2 The authors found that the number of individuals reporting sexual intercourse increased as follows over the course of the study: married men from 52% to 68%; married women from 38% to 56%; unmarried men from 30% to 54%; and unmarried women from 0.8% to 12%.
That’s a 47% increase! You go, married women!
And then they teased out these gemstones:
- There was an increase in the number of women reporting high sexual satisfaction;
- More women reported having an orgasm during sex;
- And, fewer women reported never having had an orgasm.
Thank goodness! It's a lot easier to say, "It's right there, to the left, no YOUR left ... " when you're in your fifties or older than when you're in your twenties, thirties or forties.
Similarly, men in their fifties are “more satisfied” with their sex lives than men in their thirties and forties, according to a survey published in BJU International.3 That’s a fact worth repeating. Contrary to what you may believe, that phenomenal sex you had in your thirties and forties, when you thought you were at your peak, well . . . it’s only going to get better. In fact, although men do experience more problems and less sexual function the older they get, it doesn't necessarily follow that they are less satisfied with their sex lives as a result. On the contrary, age only accounted for a variance of 3% in overall satisfaction.
So, don't miss out on this opportunity. If you're getting good sex, check this website every day to make sure you have the latest information on how you can keep it going.
And if you're not, pay attention. There's no reason why — if you follow the advice listed on this site — you too can't be a part of this new sexual evolution.
Running Rampant at Menopause Manor
In some cases, people are getting too much of a good thing.
Gynecologist Dr. Colleen McQuade said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in The Villages retirement community near Orlando, Fla., than she did in the entire city of Miami. "Yeah, they are very shocked (to hear the diagnosis) . . . Many of my patients are in their 80s."4 Local physicians blame Viagra, a lack of sex education, and no risk for pregnancy for the spike in sexually transmitted diseases. (Click here for a fascinating article on HIV/AIDS and the senior population.)
After I turned seventy, I realized that having sex was like going on safari. Everything had migrated somewhere else, and it was an adventure just figuring out where.
Sex is not new to us. Seriously, we’re the ones who turned sex into a spectator sport in the Sixties. We burned our bras and shortened our skirts. We tuned in and got turned on in so many places that some of us still have flashbacks. We stoked the sexual revolution.
But this is not the ’60s Sexual Revolution. It’s less confrontational, more inclusive than exclusive, and you’re less likely to end up with mud in your sleeping bag. Well, most of the time.
No, this is different. The Gramma Sutra is about our new Sexual Evolution.
Raise your hand and shake your arm if you are over 50.
Raise your other hand and shake that arm if you are over 60.
Wriggle a foot if you’re over 70.
Nod your head if you’re 80 or more.
[Now, call for our chiropractor’s phone number because at least 40% of you are going to need an adjustment after all this carrying on.]
Toy Stories — Say hello to my little friend
A friend of mine recently went through a divorce. This woman has a PhD. She is a gorgeous femme fatale in her sixties. She decided to celebrate her newfound independence with that emblem of sassy single women everywhere — a vibrator. A few weeks later, when asked how things were going with her little friend, she turned the color of an Amazonian cockatoo and blurted out that she’s only used it once, because:
1. The packaging it came in took a pair of garden shears – and the gardener – to get it out;
2. The instruction manual was longer than her divorce settlement;
3. It had more buttons on it than her TV remote;
4. It required a certain amount of ambidextrousness to maneuver into position.
I told her she was going to need a physical therapist just to keep up with her new toy. And then I encouraged her to click here for the latest info on vibrators and other toys perfect for the 50+ crowd.
The elephant in the room
If you have sex with your father and write a book about it, you can get on television. If you’re a politician’s wife and you write a book about your husband having sex with someone else, you can get on television. If you’re a gospel singer with a porn addiction, if you’re in a sexless marriage, if you’ve had a sex change and are now pregnant, you can get on television. If you’re in your sixties or above and you want to discuss how sex changes as you get older, you can go on . . .
That’s right, not on any major TV talk shows. And, while you’d think you’d be able to go on Larry King, since he’s apparently still having sex at 143, you’d be wrong.
Now, there have been a few books and websites on the subject, but they’re as dry as a piece of melba toast in the Sahara. That’s why The Gramma Sutra is here. I'm here to discuss the realities of sex as we get older. Think of this as “Our Bodies, Our Falling Uterus.” “The Dry Vagina Code.” “Are you there, God? It’s me — Menopause.” “Midnight in the Garden of Glucosamine and Viagra.”
Become a part of the trend
The number of older Americans having great sex is increasing dramatically every year.5 You too can be a part of this trend. Do your part to help move the line forward.
The Gramma Sutra is where women can unearth answers to some of life’s toughest erotic questions.
1. Post divorce, how long does a woman have to wait until she sleeps with her divorce attorney, her mailman, or that bartender who may or may not be the same age as her son?
2. Where does one go to meet men that are old enough to have been around the block . . . but not old enough to be the oyster shells in the sidewalk?
3. Forget about who brings the condoms. (EVERYONE!) Who brings the little blue pills? And how do you explain to an OBGYN younger than your youngest child that you have a burning feeling “down there?”
4. How do you tell your husband that the batteries you bought weren’t for the grandkids . . . but for your toys?
5. What lingerie do you wear when in the course of the night you’ll have hot flashes, night sweats, and cold feet?
6. What sexual positions are good for: hip dysplasia, tipped uterus, perforated disc, arthritis, and more?
7. How do we continue to feel sexy and vibrant and beautiful in our youth-driven society?
I'll help you explore the psychology and ever-changing physiology of sex after fifty. I'll give you tips on how to dress for maximum sex appeal, no matter what your age. If you're newly single (divorced or widowed), I'll give you the do's and don'ts of dating, sex starters, and how to break in a new partner. I'll tell you about toys, and provide you with practical illustrations of sexual positions and sexercises that take into account your individual health profile and unique medical conditions. I'll give you a comprehensive list of resources, with links to key websites like this one, where you can post your comments and stories, give and get good advice. And I promise to do it in a fun, factual and fabulous way.
Let’s face it: sex is funny; the sounds are funny; and you look funny doing it. Talking about sex should make you smile and laugh until wine comes out of your nose.
If I had to choose between sex and food, I would choose food. But I’d choose sex over nearly everything else.
Helen Gurley Brown
The minimum age required to be a member of the American Association of Retired Persons is fifty. FIFTY!!! That’s when you start getting those pernicious little envelopes in the mail pointing out that you’re not twenty-something anymore, though — from your fantasies — you may think you still are.
The good news is that while you might have had more energy at twenty-three, you probably didn’t really know how to use it. If you’re one of those women who stares mournfully at pictures of herself back when your breasts could defy gravity, stop your whining. If you look at twenty- and thirty-somethings with envy, here’s something to think about.
Yes, that little twenty-three year old Jezebel with the perky breasts and ass may look like sex on a stick, but she’s also probably living in a dump with two roommates, and dating a twenty-something guy who thinks foreplay is the latest British band — or something they cut off of him right after birth.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then sex is in the mind of the aroused. Practiced happily, as survey after survey corroborates, sex simply gets better and more satisfying with age. And I don’t just mean intercourse. Hand holding. Necking. Kissing and cuddling. Masturbation. Oral Sex. The very definition of sex becomes more expansive, more inclusive over time.
Here’s a sneak peek at what’s next:
How our culture and others — through time and around the world — view sex and the 50+ woman.
How the body changes as it ages, and how these changes affect libido and performance. I cover specific illnesses and conditions — on a decade by decade basis — and show you how to mitigate their negative effects on your sex life. I also take a peek at cosmetic surgery, both invasive (e.g. breast augmentation) and non-invasive (e.g. Botox). And, I give you a breakout of the drugs that can affect your libido and/or sexual performance.
Now, pour yourself a glass of wine, lean back in your favorite easy chair, and get ready to enjoy this experience. I'm here to tell you that while sex at twenty-three can be great, sex at seventy-three can be fanfuckingtastic!
The Gramma Sutra