The Gramma Sutra

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

South Beach, Miami, is ground zero for young sexy hot flesh.  The culture of South Beach practically dictates that if more than 30% of your body is covered by fabric, then it better be tight or sparkly, and short.  The streets of South Beach are not paved in gold, but in firm, glistening, surgically enhanced, blond-highlighted, undulating, mindbogglingly attractive body parts.

 

South Beach is not Brighton Beach.

 

 
  

South Beach rollerblader, left, and Brighton Beach bathing beauties, right

 

So, imagine my surprise a few years ago when I was walking down Ocean Avenue and a woman of a certain age (that age being upwards of 55), salt and pepper hair down her back, sheathed in a gold lamé halter top and gold lamé hot pants with four inch gold heels walked in front of me.  My mind was agog!  Was she insane?  Was she part of some bizarre cult in which older woman paraded around in gold lamé?  Was she the result of two bottles of champagne, three Cosmopolitans and only five pieces of sushi from the night before?

 

What she was . . . was a sensation.

 

Plump, petite and postmenopausal, Ms. Gold Lamé was a showstopper.

 

Men were turning to look at her and whistling.  Traffic was stopping as she crossed the street.  Both men and women were giving her frank and frankly suggestive appraisals.  At one point, an entire table of college boys stood up and applauded.

 

But she never stopped walking.  She simply laughed and kept moving along, strolling and causing hearts and other body parts to beat faster as she glided on by.

 

I was astonished.  This woman was the antithesis of everything South Beach stood for.  Older, heavier and shorter than the average glamazon, she could have been the mother or — Mein Gott forbid — the grandmother of most of the men and women who cheered her on.  As I passed a group of suited businessmen, who had risked whiplash to stare at Ms. Gold Lamé, I heard one of them say “Now, that woman is Sex.”

Recipe for a Sexual Goddess/Warrior

• 1 Woman of advanced years
• Several heaping portions of self confidence
• 1 Brilliant smile filled with joy and happiness
• 1 Hip-swinging, jaw-dropping, blood-rushing strut of a walk
• 1 Mind filled with the knowledge that, despite misinformation to the contrary, you are indeed the sexiest thing in the room

Mix together and bake in the hot Miami sun -- or the climate of your choice -- while walking and wreaking havoc. 

 

The way in which women are perceived and perceive themselves — as sexual and sensual beings — has as much to do with the culture in which they are living, as it does with their individual ideas of sexuality.  This chapter is a look at how our notion of sexuality is programmed by the media and by our cultural expectations . . . and always has been.

 

Since we live in a wide, wide world, full of delicious diversity, and since we plan to cover a lot of ground, you might want to buckle your seat belt before taking off.  Down your drink, stow your tray table, and sit back.  Let your Gramma Sutra show you how we got to where we are.

 

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Why Sarah, you don’t look a day over 126!

If you’re the type to complain about where all the years have gone, stop your whining.  Imagine being Sarah.

  

You remember Sarah:  From the Bible; Abraham’s better half; mother to Isaac; matriarch of the Jewish people?  Yeah, that Sarah.  The original Desperate Housewife.  The next time you start bitching about your crow’s feet or sciatica, think about Sarah.  Her story reads like a Lifetime TV movie.

  

Unable to conceive, she selflessly offered up her slave girl Hagar to her husband, and then had to watch as the hussy gave birth to Ishmael.  As if that weren’t enough (move over Job), Sarah was subsequently “blessed” by God, and gave birth to her only child, Isaac — at the age of 90.  Think about that, ladies.  Ninety!  Talk about lubrication challenges.  On the plus side, giving birth to Isaac means that she was getting her freak on at 89.  Sarah — one of the original GrammaSutrians.

  

  

Sarah pimps Hagar to Abraham

State Hermitage Museum, 1696

  

Sure, experts are skeptical about the longevity documented in the Bible.  Methuselah — 949.  Noah — 950.  Adam — 930.  We can see why some scholars might quibble.  But, we're suspending our disbelief regarding matriarchs.  We like to believe that Sarah was dirty dancing with Abraham at 89, and that she enjoyed a healthy and randy life until her death at 127.

  

Honestly, if Sarah is giving birth at 90 in the arid desert, without a decent moisturizer . . . girl, what excuse does your 50, 60 or 70+ year old gorgeous self have?

  

[Click on Comments, below, and tell me what you feel about this post.  See Porn, Props and Playthings for info. on sex toys — to use while you’re waiting for your husband to be finished with the slave girl you gave him, and when you’re generally taking care of yourself in those off periods that may last for centuries — or because you just feel like it; plus sex unguents and pomades to help counter the dry desert air, another post-menopausal must.]

Hadrian’s Moll

When it comes to older women and sex, most cultures have always tended to treat sexually active older people, especially women, with disdain, and the Romans were no exception.  In fact, unless you were very rich (think Caligula and his orgies), or very poor (and, therefore, not worthy of record), there was only one legitimate reason to get busy in Rome.

 

As the poet Musonius said, “Men who are not wanton or immoral are bound to consider sexual intercourse only when it occurs in marriage and is indulged for the purpose of begetting children, since that is lawful, but unjust and unlawful when it is mere pleasure seeking, even in marriage.”¹  After all, who wants to have sex just for pleasure, right?  Only young and beautiful courtesans were allowed to stray from a woman’s customary, deferential position in Rome.

 

As a result, once a woman moved beyond her child-bearing years, it was considered unseemly for her to be sexually active, and this is borne out in Roman literature.  The erotic poet Leleager, for example, compared an old woman named Timo to an old wreck of a ship, her breasts like flapping sails, and pitied those who had to cross the sea in her.²  Lucilius declared that he preferred castration to bedding old woman.³  We bet you those "old women" preferred it as well! 

 

That said, the Romans — just as most contemporary cultures — were far more tolerant when it came to old men with young fertile wives.  After all, old men could still father children, while old women were of no use to the Roman Republic.

 

So threatened were the Romans by sexually active older women that they often associated them with striga, or witches.  Horace, Ovid, Petronius and others described “wanton”, post-menopausal women as the makers of love potions (Viagra of the Ancient World), dabblers in magic.⁴  Often depicted as drunks, old and hag-faced in art, they were preoccupied with the arousal or suppression of passions, and their spells and potions could either cause or cure male impotence.  Worst of all, they were frequently portrayed as unsuitably lustful.

 

    

Not much seems to have changed since the Romans when it comes to the depiction of older woman considered unsuitably lustful.  The image at left displays a drunken old woman whose cloak has slipped down in an indecorous manner.  The image at right is by “Buck” Brown, the African-American painter and cartoonist best known for creating Playboy Magazine's "Granny" cartoons, which appeared in the ’60s and ’70s.  Here, Granny is depicted drinking a Martini and chiding her pre-Viagra lover for his “energy crisis”.

 

Roman marble copy of third- or second-century-B.C. original. Glyptothek, Munich.

 

This notion that post-menopausal women should no longer have sex — unless they’re blood-sucking, vampiric ghouls — continued throughout the Western world for millennia, and was carried over into the conservative doctrines of the Puritans, which is how it ended up in the New World.

 

It wasn’t until the sexual liberation of women in the ’60s, when the birth control Pill came into wide usage, that sex as a way of expressing our love for each other (vs. for the procreation of children) became not only possible, but more generally accepted by society.

 

So, when you find yourself moaning about your lack of options, be happy you’re not in Ancient Rome.  Sure, you’d probably look great in that Toga . . . but forget about getting any sex.  What do you expect from a culture that thought glis glis — or dormice on a stick — was a delicacy?

 

Blech!

 

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Kama Sutra, Kama Chameleon, Eggplant Kamagian

Unlike the Romans, you’ve got to love that ancient India.  The prevailing sexual culture at the time our literary inspiration (the Kama Sutra) was written stated that sex was not just for baby making.  It was for mutual enjoyment.  Considering that this is between the first and sixth centuries, folks, that’s some radical thinking.

  

 

Contrary to popular belief, the Kama Sutra isn’t just a guide to better sex.  It’s a guide to life.  It’s designed to help you figure out your aims and priorities, with tips on choosing a wife, dealing with marriage, and even getting a job.  Think of it as an ancient Indian life coach.

  

Of course, sex is the part everyone remembers — just like the famous temples of Khajuraho, where erotic sculptures make up less than 10% of all the carved figures, but that’s the stuff most visitors notice and remember!

  

 
 

The Kandariya Mahadeva Temple, top, with a detail of the Khajuraho Lakshmana Temple, bottom.

  

While the Kama Sutra covers many topics, it does indeed say a lot about sex.  It speaks to desire, foreplay, intercourse, virility, oral sex and — our personal favorite — moaning.  You heard right:  moaning!  [No, I'm not going to go into detail on the moaning, you pervs.  This is The Gramma Sutra.  You’ll have to go buy your own copy of the Kama Sutra for the moaning info!]

  

Now, ladies, you might think that the Kama Sutra is just for the kiddies, but you couldn’t be more wrong.  Vatsayana, the author, states that the most important part of lovemaking is the use of one’s imagination.  It encourages couples to take their time and explore each other’s bodies, as well as their own, and to engage in the act of conscious lovemaking in order to achieve sexual fulfillment.  In fact, the Tantric school of thought states that sex can be used as a way of achieving enlightenment.⁵  Gramma Sutra has always known this.

  

In getting-laid terms that means:  Hey, turn off the TV; put some mood lighting on; make yourself feel good; and get ready to spend more time getting to know your partner than you probably did in your twenties!

  

We heartily endorse this philosophy, and we've heard from Gramma Sutra Test Bedrooms nationwide that it’s the tortoise — not the hare — that gets to come first . . . again, and again, and again!

 

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Fat — The New Fabulous

Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder.  So is sex appeal.  Just as our sense of what’s sexy and sexually permissible has changed throughout the ages, it varies dramatically around the world.

  

It’s easy to imagine that everyone on the planet thinks a woman who looks like a skinny minny is the ideal of beauty and sexiness.  However, in Mauritania, to be fat is to be . . . fabulous!

  

 

 

Fat women in Mauritania are highly prized, no matter what their age.

In Mauritania, to make a girl plump, ‘gavage’ — a French word derived from the practice of fattening geese for foie gras — starts early.  Obesity has long been the ideal of beauty, the very visible display of a family’s wealth in a land wracked by drought.⁶  Mauritania is one of several countries in the Arab world where plump — well, larger; oh hell, fat — women are prized for their beauty.

  

Isselmou Ould Mohamed says he loves his wife’s 200-pound body, and was pleased when she began adding even more weight during pregnancy.  But, when he learned that she had started walking around the local soccer stadium to shed the extra pounds, he was revolted.

  

“I don’t like skinny women.  I want to be able to grab her love handles,” said the 32-year-old. “I told her that if she loses a lot of weight, I’ll divorce her.”

  

Imagine that!  Can’t you just see Donald Trump saying to his wife of the moment:  “Honey, if you don’t eat another doughnut and get into that size sixteen, I’ll leave you!”?  What’s next:  exclusive boutiques carrying only size 12 and up; an endless parade of commercials for Fat Fast and Weight Gainers; and, of course, the hit reality TV show -- The Biggest Gainer?

  

Now, before you book a flight for a week at a Fat Farm in Mauritania, it must be said that some people take this love of big women too far.  Force feeding young girls till they cry, and taking illegal animal drugs to gain weight are some of the ways the desire for beauty and status has been perverted.  We at The Gramma Sutra heartily denounces these practices and, of course, wants all women to be beautiful and healthy, regardless of their size . . . or their income.

  

It wasn’t that long ago that the Mauritanian notion of chubbiness as a symbol of wealth and of beauty permeated much of the world.  Fat city — the epitome of financial success.  Fat Cat — a person of great wealth.  Hell, even Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) — the last rich, luxurious banquet before the austerity of Lent.  Since time began, fat has always been associated with wealth and plenty, which — in turn — imbued voluptuousness with aesthetic appeal.

  

But move forward in time, and to lands where vittles are plentiful.  In the West, today, skinny equals wealthy.  “You can never be too rich or too thin” is the maxim du jour, and a voluptuous figure is now associated with Super-Size dining and the financial inability to afford — in both money and time — a good health club.  The pendulum of beauty has swung to the opposite extreme.

  

Will it ever swing swing back?  Of course it will.  It always does.

  

In fact, we believe that it’s swinging already.  So, the next time you ponder whether you should have that piece of cake, pie, or pork roast, remember:  In Mauritania you’d be considered a waif!

  

Bon Appétit!

 

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Another reason why the Danes are Great!

Denmark:  the land of Hans Christian Anderson; herring; elegant furniture; and hot, randy, nursing home sex!  Yes indeedy!

  

According to researchers, “Caregivers in Copenhagen have found that pornography and prostitutes have a greater calming effect on their elderly patients than traditional medical treatment such as drug therapy.”⁷

   

 

Staff at the Thorupgaarden nursing home in the Danish capital have been broadcasting pornography on the building's internal video channel every Saturday night for several years.  And if videos and dirty magazines don't relieve the tension, residents can order up a prostitute for an hour or two.

  

 
At left, the infamous Hans Christian Anderson mermaid in Copenhagen harbor.  At right, a XXX shot of Disney mermaid, Arial. 

  

Sex has a greater calming effect than drugs.  Imagine that!

 

You’ve got to hand it to those Danes; they know how to spice up their senior centers.

 

Prostitution is legal in Copenhagen and — regardless of your thoughts on pornography and prostitution — you’ve got to admit that this is a novel way to keep the synapses firing in one’s elder years.

 

Honestly, what would you rather have:  drugged-up, grumpy elderly people in a senior home; or, chilled-out, basking-in-the-after-glow-of-some-good-loving elderly people?

 

So, if you’re in a nursing home, or the next time you visit one, make sure to pay attention to the subtle signs.  If there’s a sock on the door, it could be a signal to keep out.  Don’t come a knockin’ when Gramma’s a rocking!

 

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Being Sexy can be a pain in the Neck!

Now that you’ve seen how big is beautiful in Mauritania, let’s talk about your neck.  Come on, look at it.  We dare you!

  

Of course, you may be one of those women graced with utter confidence about her neck, or someone whose neck is still unwrinkled, firm and strong . . . in which case, we curse you!  [Just kidding!]

  

If you’re not one of those women, then you’re like the rest of us:  a woman who looks at her neck and is stunned to see a flap or two of skin that wasn’t there just a day or a decade ago.

  

Perhaps you’ve thought about doing something about that flippy, flabby, fit-inducing neck of yours.  You’ve done your research, and you’ve decided that the best course of action is to . . . pile on some neck rings!

  

 
Kayan girl, left, and Kayan older woman, right.  As with trees, you can count the rings to guesstimate a Kayan woman’s age.

  

What?  Never seen the Kayan women of Burma and Thailand?  When a Kayan girl is five years old, a single coil is applied to the neck.  As the girl grows, the coil is replaced with a longer coil, then another, until the child is grown.  The Kayan women consider these coils a mark of beauty.

 

Permanent jewelry.  Hides the aging neck.  Considered a mark of great beauty!  Seems like a win-win, right?

 

Well, before you head out and wrap a coil round your neck, you may want to know that the neck rings force the collarbone and the ribs to pitch down forty-five degrees below normal.  We at The Gramma Sutra believe that beauty is one thing . . . but indigestion another.

 

Still, the Kayan women are living proof that, in order to be sexy, sometimes you’ve got to stick your neck out!

 

[Click on Comments, below, and tell me what you feel about this post. See The Physiology of Sex, Appendix A for a Peek at Cosmetic surgery -- both invasive (e.g. breast augmentation) and non-invasive (e.g. Botox).]

We’re ready for your closeup, Grandpa!

Speaking of porn, one of the fastest growing segments of the porn industry is elder porn (AKA Granny Porn), and Japan — a country with a surprising appetite for pornography; and by surprising I mean McDonald’s-replacing-French-fries-with-Brussels-sprouts type of surprising — has the world’s oldest known porn star, Shigeo Tokudo, 75.

Mr. Tokudo has been a star of sex and screen for fourteen years, with over 350 titles in his filmography.  That’s an average of two porn movies per month!

  

Mr. Tokudo has a theory as to why elder porn is popular in Japan. “People of my age generally have shame.  So they are very hesitant to show their private parts,” Tokuda says.  "But I am proud of myself doing something they cannot."  Still, he says, laughing, “That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."⁸

Shigeo Tokudo, 75, is single-handedly responsible for putting the lead back in aging pencils all across Japan.

Let’s give a hand to Mr. Tokudo, overturning stereotypes about older people and their sexuality.  While we’re at it, let’s give Japan a hand too.  Clearly, someone in Japan is buying Mr. Tokudo’s and the other elder porn stars’ films.

 Ryuichi Kadowaki, president of Ruby Productions, says they started producing adult videos with people in their thirties to good sales.  Then, they creeped up to forty year old actors and they sold even better.  So they recruited actors in their fifties and sixties.  Now, they're producing an entire line of adult videos with actors — like Tokuda — in their seventies.

  

“Adult videos with young actresses sell well only in the first three months after the release.  On the other hand," says Kadowaki, "mature-women films enjoy a steady, long-term popularity.”

Mature women.  Long-term popularity.  That’s what we at The Gramma Sutra have been saying for years!

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Rollercoaster of Love!

Speaking of the East, we were pleasantly surprised when — on May 15, 2009 — the official China Daily reported China’s first sex theme park was to open in October in the entertainment zone near the Yangtze River in aptly named Chongking.⁹  And you thought Six Flags was exciting!

Love Land’s official aim was to help promote sex education, and was to have featured naked human sculptures, giant replicas of genitals, a photo exhibition about sex history, plus sex technique workshops — all designed to help adults “enjoy a harmonious sex life.”

Sex Theme Park Love Land . . . before it was dismantled by Chinese officials.

Park manager and main investor Lu Xiaoqing was quoted as saying, “Sex is a taboo subject in China, but people really need to have more access to information about it."  The park was also designed to promote anti-AIDS measures and the proper use of condoms.  Lu said the idea of building Love Land came to him during a visit to South Korea's sex park on the island of Jeju.

Among other oddities, visitors to Jeju Loveland are greeted by the park’s two mascots:  Bulkkeuni, a phallus wearing what appear to be yellow mittens; and Ssaekkeuni, a vagina sporting a floppy hat and bow!¹⁰

"We hope our Love Land can also become a landmark in Chonqing when it finishes," added Lu.

 

Illuminated sculpture at Jeju Love Land in South Korea.

  

Well, as it turns out, it was too much information that doomed the Chinese venture in Chongking.

  

When news of the sex theme park hit the Internet, Love Land was unceremoniously closed and demolished within a week.  A government spokesperson named Yang, in southwestern China, declined to say why.¹¹

While pornography is banned in China, and sex ed virtually nonexistent, sex toys are readily available and prominently displayed in many neighborhoods throughout the country, while sex outside marriage is generally accepted . . . at least for men.

 

While pornography is illegal in China, the sale of sex toys is not . . . and they are often sold in plain sight.

[NOTE:  Click on the pictures to bring up a video clip.]

  

  

Shifting demographics will undoubtedly stimulate even greater changes in China.  According to a study conducted by the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, some 24 million Chinese men of marrying age will find themselves lacking wives in 2020, in part because of the country’s one-child policy, which has led to the wholesale termination of female fetuses since the ’80s.  This gender imbalance means the next decade will see an explosion in intergenerational marriages, with young men married to women much older than them.¹³

Egg roll anyone?

  

  

 

 

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Take two Dawa, and roll me over in the morning!

Speaking of older women being sexually empowered, folks on the coast near Mombasa, Kenya, estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from affluent countries are there for one thing, and one thing only — sex.

 

What was once the province of wealthy, mostly white men visiting certain parts of Asia and Latin America, sex tourism is increasingly becoming an equal opportunity travel pastime.

 

"It's not evil," said Jake Grieves-Cook, chairman of the Kenya Tourist Board, when asked about the practice of older rich women traveling for sex with young Kenyan men.  "But it's certainly something we frown upon."¹⁴

 

A sixty-four year old white British woman from the south of England named Allie [she would not give her last name] — who was recently spotted resting her white-haired head on the shoulder of a six feet four inch, twenty-three year old Maasai, sporting a new pair of sunglasses — said, “We both get something we want.  Where's the negative?"

 

  

Older European and Canadian women often frequent the beaches of Mombasa, Kenya, arm in arm with black escorts, left.  Charlotte Rampling and Ménothy Cesar, an 18-year-old Haitian youth on a Caribbean beach in the film Heading South, directed by Laurent Cantet.

 

Grieves-Cook claims that he and other hotel managers are doing what they can to discourage the practice of older women picking up local boys, arguing that it’s not the kind of tourism they want to promote in the east African nation.

 

"The head of a local hoteliers' association told me they have begun taking measures — like refusing guests who want to change from a single to a double room," Grieves-Cook added.  "It’s a fine line.  We are one hundred percent against anything illegal, such as prostitution.  But it's different with something like this.  It’s just . . . unwholesome."

 

Unwholesome!  We at The Gramma Sutra find this double standard ridiculous.  A sixty-four year old woman and a twenty-three year old man engaging in a mutually consensual relationship is neither illegal nor unwholesome.

 

Sounds like the gander getting his feathers ruffled because the goose is getting her groove on!

 

Many of these visitors are in search of young men like Joseph, a twenty-two year old with a dazzling white smile who’s built like an Olympic basketball star.  According to Joseph, he’s slept with more than 100 white women, most of them thirty years his senior.

 

"When I go into the clubs, those are the only women I look for now," says Joseph.  "I get to live like the rich mzungus (white people) who come here from rich countries, staying in the best hotels and just having my fun."

 

And fun seems to be the operative word.  “It's a social arrangement,” said Bethan, a fifty-six year old Briton, sipping a powerful local drink made from honey, fresh limes and vodka, known locally as Dawa, or medicine.  “I buy him a nice shirt and we go out for dinner.  For as long as he stays with me he doesn't pay for anything, and I get what I want — a good time.  How is that different from a man buying a young girl dinner?"

Well, as long as you’re playing it safe.

 

According to Julia Davidson, an academic and sexual researcher at Nottingham University, she’s met women who shun the use of condoms — in a country with an AIDS prevalence of 6.9% — finding them too "businesslike" for their exotic fantasies.

 

Remember:  Even Tarzan’s Jane wore a loincloth!

 

Ten Gramma Sutra Tips on Traveling Abroad for Sex

1. Don’t travel alone.  When venturing abroad, bring a friend along to share the adventure.
2. Always let your travel partner know where you are, and with whom, at all times.
3. Bring your own lubricant and condoms, and extra batteries for your toys.  Chances are, you won’t find what you’re looking for locally.  Pack extra gallon plastic bags for storage.
4. Some drugs – like Viagra – are significantly cheaper abroad.  Depending on where you’re going, bring your prescription with you (if you have one).  In some cases, prescriptions aren’t even required.
5. When you check in, get a room with a queen- or kind-sized bed; you may have trouble checking in to a bigger room once you find local company.
6. Use the safe in your room, if you have one – NOT the one at the front desk.
7. Never give money to anyone with whom you’re having sex.  Tips and gratuities (e.g. sunglasses, clothes, meals, etc.) are fine, but giving cash might be misinterpreted as promoting prostitution.
8. Always check the ID of your partner.  He may look like he’s an adult, but you’ll want to be sure.  Plus, you’ll want to know his real name anyway, just in case.  Record it somewhere privately before you start partying.
9. Take a picture of your fling with your mobile phone, and email it to yourself or your travel partner.  Security is having someone’s picture on hand.  If you didn’t bring your mobile phone with you because it doesn’t work abroad, consider buying a pre-paid phone for your holiday.
10. Use common sense, and scrutinize his penis before it enters your body.

 

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50/50 = 100% Satisfaction

Do you remember how many times you’ve looked at your mate when he’s doing some housework like laundry, cooking or — bless his heart — cleaning the dreaded toilet and thought:  Damn, the way he’s using that sponge is so hot?

 

Well, rest assured; you are not alone.

 

According to a study done by the University of Chicago, older couples who enjoy more equality between the sexes are also more likely to report being satisfied with their sex lives.  Conversely, couples who live in countries where men have a more dominant status over women report less satisfaction.  And we do mean couples here . . . not just the men!¹⁵

 

The Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors (GSSAB) study, which looked at more than 27,000 people in 29 countries, is one of the first to document sexual behavior and well-being in the older population on a global scale.

 

So, without further ado, here are the countries boasting the greatest sexual satisfaction:  Austria; Spain; Canada; and — drum roll, please — the United States of America.

 

Hooray for the home team!

 

• In Western nations, two-thirds of men and women reported their sexual relationships were satisfying, and 80 percent said they were satisfied with their ability to have sex. About half of the men and one third of the women said sex was extremely or very important in their lives.
• In Middle Eastern nations, 50 percent of men and 38 percent of women found their sex lives satisfying. About 70 percent said they were satisfied with their ability to have sex.  Sixty percent of men and 37 percent of women said sex is an important part of their overall lives.
• In East Asian countries, only about one quarter of men and women reported physical and emotional pleasure with sex, while two thirds of the men and half of the women reported satisfaction with their ability to have sex. Among men, 28 percent said sex was important to them, while only 12 percent of the women did.

 

“In relationships based on equality, couples tend to develop sexual habits that are more in keeping with both partners' interests,” said lead author, Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago.  "Male-centered cultures where sexual behavior is more oriented toward procreation tend to discount the importance of sexual pleasure for women," he said.

 

What a surprise, right?

 

In other words, the more egalitarian your relationship is — in fact, the more egalitarian your country — the greater the likelihood that you’ll both be enjoying yourselves well into your triple digits!

 

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Have a Cock and a Smile!

The average American sees 1,000 commercial messages per day¹⁶

By the age of 40, the average American has been exposed to one million ads¹⁷

 

According to Jean Kilbourne, author and expert on gender issues and the media, the image of ideal beauty we’re exposed to in the hundreds and hundreds of ads that we see every day is generating a corrosive cultural environment that not only sacrifices a woman’s sense of wellbeing, but her health.

 

“The message from advertising is that the way to be happy, to find satisfaction — including sexual satisfaction — is through the consumption of products,” says Kilbourne.

 

But no matter what women do to try and achieve this ideal, it’s still an ideal.  Failure’s inevitable, because the dream is based on a lie.

 

Twenty years ago, Kilbourne says, the average female model weighed 8% less than the average woman.  Now, she weighs 23% less.

 

Moreover, the kind of body we’re exposed to in advertising is a combination of the model’s actual looks, plastic surgery, and a whole passel of Photoshop magic.

 

All advertising images are digitally altered.  Every one.  In reality, we have no idea what models (or movie stars and other celebrities) really look like.

 

Demi Moore, as she appears in a Helena Rubinstein perfume ad (Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot), left. And the actress in a similar pose, right . . . from Ashton Kutcher's Twitter feed!  Frankly, at least to us, she looks much better au natural!  Photo: Courtesy of Helena Rubenstein & Ashton Kutcher's Twitter


When we can’t live up to the idealized, perfect women we see in advertising, it’s no wonder most of us feel crappy about our bodies, and this has a profound impact on our sexuality.

According to health care educator Leah Kliger and clinical psychologist Deborah Nedelman, “Fifty-one per cent of older women interviewed cited dissatisfaction in body image as the primary factor in their loss of sexual desire.”

Many doctors will tell you that once sexual desire has vanished, it's gone for good.  But Kliger and Nedelman have learned this is far from the truth.

 

“Sexual desire ebbs and flows over time . . . Many women [have] found that after an initial decrease in their 50s and 60s, there was a resurgence of sexual appetite when they reached their 70s or even 80s.”²¹

  

A “perfect” Barbie-doll plastic surgery model, left; with Valerie Bertinelli (at 48), right, looking buff from eating Jenny Craig.

Today, as our population continues to age, our role models are occasionally older and more experienced, like ad spokesperson Valerie Bertinelli who (now, just shy of fifty), flaunts her toned abs and biceps for Jenny Craig.  But let’s be honest:  These are tough role models to follow if you don’t happen to have a personal stylist and trainer chained up in your basement.  And, if you do, you might want to think about letting them go.  We’re not judging but . . .

“It's daunting to think that we are supposed to be as interested in sex as we were in our twenties and have bodies and wardrobes that mirror that age,” add Kantrowitz and Wingert.  “When we were growing up, we rarely saw a college student and her mom wearing the same clothes.  These days, that's commonplace — and we're not sure it's such a good thing.”²³

Gramma Sutra goes further.  If you’re all fired up to look like a teenager, then slap on those braces, pimple yourself out, and take the SATs too while you’re at it.

“What's needed,” say Kantrowitz and Wingert, “is a reasonable balance between old-fashioned stereotypes and modern hype, combined with a new understanding of what sex means to women of ‘a certain age.’  By the time they reach their late forties or early fifties, women should be savvy enough to know that feeling sexy is a state of mind [emphasis added] . . . In order to enjoy sex, you have to feel that you're sexy.  That's not easy if your self-esteem is tied to unrealistic images of eternal youth.”

Let the viewer beware.  Try and block out all those cultural messages which imply that if you don't look like you're 20, you're not sexy.  Because, dahlins, just like a Timex, older women take a licking . . . and keep on ticking!

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The Damned Don’t Cry

In a 1950s movie in which Joan Crawford plays a woman “as tough as a 75¢ steak”, the actress was forty-five years old.  She had been considered box-office gold in 1932, and then box-office poison by the end of the ’30s.  In fact, in 1944, at the age of thirty-nine, when Crawford wanted to play the title role of Mildred Pierce, she was thought to be too old to play the mother of a seventeen year old.  You do the math; the child would have been born when she was twenty-two!

Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce.  Here at 39, the actress was thought to be too old to play the mother of a 17 year old.  Grrrrrrr.  This “cougar” prevailed and went on to win an Academy Award!

  

Thankfully, she eventually got the part . . . and went on to win an Academy Award.  Later, between 1944 and 1952, when Crawford was in her 40s, she was a top, box-office star.  She made almost a dozen films in those years, most of them blockbusters.

  

Crawford would throw her shoulder pads back and raise a disgusted eyebrow at the Hollywood of today.  A woman over forty in Hollywood has a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than headlining a movie.  A woman over fifty in Hollywood can be in a movie . . . if she plays the sexless grandma, or the bitter old crone.

  

Quick:  Name three Hollywood actresses over fifty?  Sure — Meryl Streep.  But, who else?  If you could name three over fifty — and that’s a big if — name three over sixty.  And, no, Meryl can’t be in both categories.

  

We'll be over here spackling the side of the house while you do that.

  

But in the 1940s and 1950s, there were plenty of older women headlining movies:  Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Katharine Hepburn, Ginger Rogers, Greer Garson, Olivia De Haviland, Joan Fontaine, Ingrid Bergman, to name just a few.

  

Sure, Bette Davis and Joan Crawford played crazy sisters serving each other rat (that’s the bigger brother of glis glis) in Whatever happened to Baby Jane, but you put two egomaniacal menopausal A list actresses in a movie together and see what happens.

  

It’s not as if Hollywood is anti-aging.  On the contrary, look at Sean Connery.  He is well into his Medicare years and still playing the lothario on screen with women old enough to be his grandchildren.

  

Woody Allen would rather eat raw schmaltz than be cast opposite a woman within two decades of his age.

  

Or what about the grizzled but still-gorgeous Clint Eastwood?

 

 

Sean Connery, left, and Clint Eastwood, right.  Both are 80 years old and still going strong.  Of course, nearly every man looks great in a tuxedo!

  

To add insult to injury, not only is there a double standard as to aging, there’s the bizarre custom of casting women as mothers to male actors that are the same age as they are.  Just recently Hope Davis was justifiably upset when she was asked to play Johnny Depp’s mother in an upcoming film.  After all, Hope is just one year older than Johnny!  This is common in Hollywood where a 30+ woman can age seven years to every man year — just like dogs and humans.²⁴  So, basically, if you’re 40 - 50+ in Hollywood, and you’ve managed to dodge that meteorite, you may get a chance to play the mother of the guy who is the exact same age as you!

  

  

Actress	Role	Actress Age	Actor Age	Lunacy Factor
Angelina Jolie	Mother to Colin Firth in Alexander	28	27	Bat Shit Crazy
Glenn Close	Mother to Mel Gibson in Hamlet	43	34	Bag of Rocks Crazy
Taraji P Henson	Mother to Brad Pitt in Benjamin Buttons	38	46	Fifth of Jack Crazy
Sally Field	Mother to Tom Hanks in Forest Gump	48	38	Valium Popping Crazy
Lea Thompson	Mother to Michael J Fox in Back to the Future	24	24	Take to your bed for a week Crazy

 

  

  

  

  

 

Now, we're not trying to bash Hollywood.  In fact, while the big screen has been kryptonite for older actresses, the small screen has welcomed them with open arms.  Holly Hunter, Kyra Sedgwick, Vanessa Williams, Glenn Close and, most recently, Courtney Cox have all found successful runs on series television in their 40+ years.  It seems that television may be the Valhalla for older actresses — except for one little thing.  Many of the older actresses on television look as if they’re still in their twenties.

  

Compare, if you will, the new show Men of a Certain Age with Cougar Town.

  

Both shows deal with people in their forties.  Both shows talk about the highs and lows of getting older.  But, where Courtney Cox is a buff, fat-free, size 0 forty year old divorcée, Andre Braugher is a paunchy, bald, forty-eight year old happily married man.

  

Courtney = Buff.  Andre = Paunchy.  That’s the equation.

  

Holly Hunter still looks like a teenager, and Vanessa Williams — while stunning and curvaceous — hasn’t had a smile reach her Botox-enhanced eyes during the entire season of Ugly Betty.

  

Andre Braugher gets to eat cheeseburgers on his show.  Courtney Cox gets to eat . . . well, nothing.²⁵

 

Courtney Cox, left, in Cougar Town, looking like a teenager; at right, Andrew Braugher (far right), from Men of a Certain Age, noshing on a hamburger.

  

You might be thinking, “yeah yeah, but what does all this have to do with sex?”

  

Here’s the deal:  The fewer older women we see in the movies and on TV, the more women over forty we see with frozen faces and teenage bodies, the more we believe that older women who look their age are not sexy.

  

When normal-looking older actresses aren’t thought of as sexy, the trickle-down is that normal-looking older women aren’t thought of as sexy.  Also, the more we’re bombarded by images of women whose legal age is fifty but who have as many wrinkles as my dining room table, the more we make women who do look their age feel like crap — no matter how self-assured they are.

  

Just as we saw with advertising, above, Hollywood sells images.  And, when those images make getting older look unappealing, it’s only a slip and a fall to women hanging up their lingerie after 50, and taking up . . . well, whatever it is people take up when they give up trying to have a little nookie.

  

   

From left to right:  [Top Row] Susan Sarandon (64), Sophia Loren (76), Meryl Streep (61),
and [Bottom Row] Julie Christie (69) -- still the fodder of male (and female) fantasies!

  

We don’t know about you, but we think older women are hot as hell.  I’ve heard from numerous GrammaSutrians that women like Susan Sarandon, Glenn Close, Halle Berry, Meryl Streep, Sophia Loren, Julie Christie, and many others are in heavy fantasy rotation in test bedrooms all over America.

  

We think teenage boys and even not-so-teenage boys should have their bouncy, bubbly, buxom babes in the woods.  [After all, 61% of 18 - 24 year olds to to the movies at least once a month, versus only 24% of adults age 55 - 64.]  We just want to see some sassy, sultry, scintillating, sexy seniors up there too — and by seniors, we mean, like the AARP, everyone over fifty . . . or forty, if you live in the Hollywood hills.

Holly-would, indeed!

  

  

 

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"I intend to live forever, or die trying." Groucho Marx

 

Groucho’s not the only one living as long as possible.  According to the 2008 U.S. Census Bureau, the senior citizen population may increase by as much 40% in the next five years.  “The senior citizen — age 65 and older — population in the U.S. was 36,789,000 in 2008, just 12.3% of the nation’s population.  In five years it will jump to 51.7 million.”²⁶ 

  

But, flooding into the senior ranks are 14.931 million Baby Boomers age 60 - 64.  This narrow age bracket is 5% of the total U.S. population.  Assuming we all live another five years, they will increase the senior ranks by 40%.

Nor is this just an American phenomenon.  According to the GSSAB study, Europe, China and Canada will all see their older populations increase dramatically in the next five years.  From 2009 to 2050, the world’s 85+ population is projected to increase more than fivefold, from 40 million to 219 million . . . all looking for love!

  

 

 

 

Projections of the Population by Selected Age Groups and Sex for the United States: 2010 to 2025
Sex and age	Numbers in thousands
	2010	2015	2020	2025
BOTH SEXES	310,233	325,540	341,387	357,452
45 to 64 years	80,980	83,911	84,356	83,510
65 years and over	40,229	46,837	54,804	63,907
85 years and over	5,751	6,292	6,597	7,239
100 years and over	79	105	135	175
TOTAL 46 - 100+	127,039	137,145	145,892	154,831
% OF TOTAL POP	41%	42%	43%	43%
MALE	152,753	160,424	168,258	176,102
45 to 64 years	39,467	40,972	41,292	41,013
65 years and over	17,292	20,542	24,323	28,560
85 years and over	1,893	2,163	2,344	2,652
100 years and over	15	21	29	40
FEMALE	157,479	165,116	173,128	181,349
45 to 64 years	41,513	42,939	43,065	42,498
65 years and over	22,937	26,295	30,481	35,348
85 years and over	3,859	4,130	4,253	4,587
100 years and over	65	84	106	134
Source: Population Division, U.S. Census Bureau
Release Date: August 14, 2008

 

  

 

[Click on Comments, below, and tell me what you feel about this post. See The Physiology Of Sex to learn how the body changes as it ages, and how these changes may affect your libido and performance.]

The Sexual Revolution Evolution

Speaking of the Silent Generation, a 2004 study by Alan Petigny referenced in the Journal of Social History states that the Sexual Revolution did not start in the free-loving ’60s, as is commonly thought.  “It began with the ‘silent generation’ of the 1940s and ’50s, which as its moniker implies, didn't talk much about sex.”²⁷  [Speak softly and carry a big “stick”!]

  

''After 15 years of Depression and war, there was a desire on the part of Americans to live in the moment and enjoy life, and they were accordingly less likely to defer to traditional restraints on their behavior,” says Petigny.  “Between the beginning of World War II in 1941 and the inaugural issue of Playboy in 1953, the overall rate of single motherhood more than doubled. The silent generation may have been silent about what they were doing, but they weren't all that complacent.”

  

In the '60s, contends Petigny, Americans were simply more willing to acknowledge the sexual activities of the young than they had been during previous decades.  What was publicly respectable changed dramatically as social conventions came in line with personal conduct.

  

Hippies.  Bellbottoms.  Rock and Roll.  Pot.  Ah, the ’60s.

  

Who can forget burning their first bra, their first rock concert, their first march on Washington against the Vietnam War?  Even if you weren’t there in body, many of us were there in our minds — as we revolted against our parents and their pursuit of the almighty dollar, and as we faced down The Man.

  

But while the ’60s did indeed usher in many wonderful changes, not the least of which was the Women’s Movement, our obsession at the time with all things “youth” also came at a cost . . . as we’ve seen with our ongoing fixation with androgynous skinniness, and the media’s preoccupation with teens and twenty-somethings.

 
Twiggy, icon of ’60s fashion and sexiness (left); Nigella Lawson -- the new icon of sexiness! (right)

  

Let’s face it — despite current cultural barriers, older women are having sex.  They’re just being “silent” about it — well, hopefully, not that silent.  Yet the stigma surrounding older women being sexually active still lingers.

  

 Men, of course, seem to have escaped relatively unscathed in this cultural damnation.  As we glimpsed in Ancient Rome, this seems to be related to the notion that men can — at least theoretically — continue to procreate until they’re practically dead.  Look at Picasso, who had his daughter Paloma at the age of 68.

  

But, the fact of the matter is, with the rise of IVF and surrogacy and adoption, women can now have children well into their “senior” years too.  Times have changed.  We think this old-fashioned notion of tying sexual activity to fertility should have gone the way of the dodo after the Sexual Revolution became mainstream, once the birth control Pill decoupled sex from procreation for millions of women.

 

That’s what we mean when we say The Gramma Sutra is about a new Sexual Evolution.   And, hopefully — just as the Sexual Revolution actually began in the ’40s and ’50s before reaching cultural acceptance in the 1960s — the Baby Boomer explosion, that bulge in the demographic snake, will soon result in a new cultural mindset that replaces the notion that you have to look like you’re twenty-something, or be skinny as a boy to be beautiful.  The Gramma Sutra is counting on it.

The cultural pendulum which links beauty and sex-appeal to youth and skinniness (and, as we’ve seen, wealth) has already started to swing in the opposite direction.  There’s been a backlash against models who, in some cases, literally starve themselves to death in order to try to keep working.  Movies featuring “older” actresses, like the recent releases of It’s Complicated (with Meryl Streep - 61) and The Blind Side (with Sandra Bullock - 46), are once again drawing large audiences — and making googobs of money!  It’s 2010, people!  It’s not just a new year.  It’s a new century!  Time for a cultural makeover.

The maxim you’re as old as you feel needs new partners.  As more and more of us move past our fifties, I’m confident new slogans will crop up in the cultural mindscape:  you’re as beautiful — and as sexy — as you feel; age before duty; sex before wine; when older women walk, men stiffen.  Sing it with me now:  Old love, old fart, let’s get together and feel alright!

 

[Click on Comments, below, and tell me something about being a member of the Silent Generation.]

Conclusion

A 2004 study sponsored by Dove, one of Unilever’s beauty brands, uncovered some sobering statistics.  Dove’s mission in commissioning The Real Truth About Beauty study was to explore what beauty means to women, and why.  They also wanted to assess whether it was possible to talk and think about female beauty in ways that are more “authentic, satisfying and empowering.”

The results?

First and foremost, women want to see the idea of beauty expanded to include emotional qualities, character and individuality, as opposed to the narrow physical aspects of beauty which currently dominate popular culture.

75% want to see greater diversity in the images of beauty too — women of different shapes and varying sizes.  And they want a broader range of ages in the pictures of women than those who, at present, saturate our visual field.²⁹.

Unfortunately, according to the study, “beautiful” is not a word women readily associate with themselves.

By an overwhelming majority, the study found women were most comfortable using the words natural (31%) or average (29%).  In fact, only 2% of women around the world elected to describe their appearance as beautiful.  Two percent, ladies.  That’s it!

9% chose attractive; 8% feminine; and just 7% chose good-looking or cute.  Further, this lack of identification with beautiful held true across all age groups, with only 4% of 18 - 29 year olds choosing beautiful to describe their looks.

Now, let’s remember that this study was conducted in 2004.  In Web years, that’s practically ancient history.

When we learned about it, we couldn’t help thinking about that woman strutting down the avenue in South Beach.  We're sure that none of the men who were ogling and whistling at her were thinking about statistical self-analyses of beauty.  They were too busy rearranging their packages.  And, if you had asked any of them a day earlier whether a short, plump, 50+ woman in gold lamé could ever be sexy, most of them would probably have laughed.

So, what was it about that short, plump, older woman that made her so damned sexy?

What made her hotter than a jalapeño in hell was the fact that she knew she was sexy — in fact, just as sexy and just as beautiful as any roller-blading, bikini-clad twenty-two year old model down the beach.

That woman was revolutionary.

She was Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon of media-backed beauty.

She was Joan of Arc, charging against a cultural lie that sexiness doesn’t belong to people without crows feet, some laugh lines, a few extra pounds, and some actual experience.

With every click of her 4-inch heels, she was battling stereotypes, breaking barriers and erecting erections about her.

She was you in the ’60s, burning your bra — except now she’s hitting her sixties . . . and baring her bra.

 

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